Today is about Love – the ether that is the core of it all.

It started for me this morning with a quote from Living with Joy by Sanaya Roman.  The book is gold.  I don’t believe it says many things that have not already been said.  But it is filled with kindness and clarity, in a way that goes right to the core.

The quote:

“There is so much love available, it is as abundant as the air you breathe.”

And it got me thinking.

Or feeling, to be precise.

On the treadmill, at the Y, I meditate.  I practice a unity with my deeper Self.  There’s a whole other story wrapped up in this, but for now, let’s just say that it serves me very well to meditate while treading.  And it surely makes the exercise fly by and feel blissful.

Given that Today is About Love, I begin meditating on Love.  To be more specific, I begin a little game with myself that I call the Feeling Game.  It goes like this: I choose a feeling, and hold that feeling in every fiber of my being.  So I start holding the sensation of Love inside me.  And it grows.  And soon it becomes me as love.  All my particles are Love.

And suddenly I notice an extraordinary softening.  My edges have melted away.  All those internal things that feel grabby or needy, competitive or wanting, judgmental or lacking…they are gone.  There is nothing here but soft space – generous, kind, understanding…

Loving.

Today is About Love, and I had become it.

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The thing I marvel at, every time I play the Feeling Game, is that there is no external driver to the sensation.  I wasn’t in a circumstance (the treadmill!) that was a particularly Love-filled place, nor was I even thinking a thought (e.g. my children’s laughter) that elicited the feeling of Love.  Instead it was completely and entirely a fabrication – something I elicited simply by inviting the feeling to come into me.

There was no need for anything except my intention.

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So wait…that’s how we find love?

That’s it??

Wow.  How beautiful is that?

I was at the Y this morning, treading away on the treadmill.  I’ve been there 3 times this week.  Which is stellar for me, considering I haven’t been once since October 2006.

I hunker down in the old-peoples’ room – you know, the one where there’s no loud music, but just quiet conversation about Bridge games and cataract surgeries.  I find great comfort in that room.  Perhaps because it’s not a meat market; perhaps because of its quiet vibe; perhaps because the people in that room are there not to look good, but to strengthen their bodies.

That, after all, is why I’m there.  I don’t particularly need to look better.  Sure, I could tone up a bit, but I really can’t be bothered with those details.  What I do need is to get my body back.

From 2004-2008 I was a full-on baby producing machine: from pregnancy, to birth, to nursing for 18 months, straight into the second pregnancy, birth, and nursing for another 18 months.  Not to mention the physically-torturous sleep deprivation of that entire span of time.  My body took a major hit (not to mention my spirit – but that’s an entry for another day).  I’ve spent the last year just getting my breath back.  And now, finally, it’s time to get my strength back.

So yes, I’m back at the Y.  And it feels marvelous – because I’m there for me.  Not for my body and how it looks.  Not because I should be exercising.  But because it feels incredible to be moving and stretching and stepping into a new place.

It’s been awhile since I last wrote.  Eight months.  Feels almost like a lifetime, but not quite.

I’ve been mulling something lately, wanting to gain courage for a “thing” that’s calling me.

And my stuff has come up in the process.

Fear.

And I’ve looked this fear in the eye for the better part of a month.  I’ve looked at it from every angle…I’ve asked for it to leave, I’ve done my best to outsmart it.  But it’s still there.

How do I know?  Because I haven’t yet taken action.

Why? Because I’m still waiting to feel entirely right.

Not just mostly right, but entirely right.  I’ve been waiting to be fearless.

This “thing” that I’m mulling is a book collaboration with a new, dear friend.  And the notion to collaborate is coming from a place deep within.  It’s coming from a place that continues to call me, despite the layers of fear that are doing their best to get in the way.

What I’m realizing, in this moment, is that fearlessness is not about removing those layers.  It is simply about having the faith that when I move from my heart, the outcome is exactly as it’s meant to be.

My only job right now is to allow this inner calling to Be.  The simple act of allowing is all that I’m meant to do.

That’s it.

From there, what will be will be.

I have not written in 8 months.  Two hours ago I quietly requested a sign – a gentle nod that it was time to allow this “thing” flow through me, unhindered.  When I sat at my computer a moment ago, I had an email awaiting me.  A reader had stumbled upon my inactive-for-8-months blog, and was asking me to post more.  And when I logged into this account, my last (and forgotten) comment was the same: write more, please.

So here I am, smiling at the beauty of it all – and writing more.

I started this entry with no idea what was going to come through me.  And now, the title “Not sure where to go” is obsolete…for now I know precisely where to go……….

I’m finally back from the Ether.  I spent the weekend at a certification course for Energy Coaching.  Coming from the space/life-view of an Energy Healer, it was a 3-day immersion into energy-speak and energy-centering.  Tremendous, really.

We did an activity in which we were blind-folded, and a partner was guiding us verbally toward a goal…but couldn’t give real directions.

With that in mind, here’s what happened behind that blindfold of mine:

Right away I have a sense of which way I’m meant to go. So I strike out in that direction (it’s exactly opposite from where I’m starting…so true for my life).

So off I go. After a handful of tentative steps, I bump into a block. I say, “Hmmm…just bumped into a block,” to which my guide responds, “That’s okay, it just shows you that you’re moving.”

Wow.  Wow.

Okay, so I shift direction a bit. And my guide quickly, but gently, asks if that is really the right direction for me.  This is, of course, a signal that I’m not going the right way. So I change course again, and again my guide wonders aloud if there is perhaps another path for me to be on.

And it occurs to me, “wow, this is so very much the way I go through the world…I just kind of zig-zag back and forth, never in a direct line.”

It’s a sad realization, because it feels so inefficient, and I think about how much time and energy I’m wasting on an indirect route.  If only I could know my direction, rather than having to move blindly, I would be there already.

Then, as if on cue, my guide once again softly suggests that there might be a better way for me.

And then the big Aha!-moment happens.

I realize that I am being guided,

every step of the way,

and all I need to do is listen carefully enough to hear.

And now, each new direction I turn, I hardly take a step at all before I understand – from my guide – whether or not it is my right way.

And suddenly, in what feels like a heartbeat, I’m there.

I’ve reached my goal.

This teaching had nothing to do with the original intent of the exercise.

But then, that’s the whole point of Energy Coaching: to guide a person as they discover for themselves exactly what it is they need to know.

Again, I say wow.

I have a confession to make: I tend to be a bit judgmental of people in the healing world who move from one modality to another, in an endless procession of new classes and certifications.  Today they’re a massage therapist, next year they’ve added Reiki and tapping to their list of credentials.

Enough, I always think.  Just practice your trade and stop getting, getting, getting!

But now I have another confession to make: I’ve begun to do the same thing.

I can’t speak for others about their motives.  All I know is that for me, it just feels right.

I never thought I’d be doing Shamanic Journeying.  Never.  Not once.  No way.  Not me. (In fact, I have a dear friend who’s spent the past 5 years making a film on the injustices to native people by the commercialization of their spiritual practices!)

And now I’m doing it?

Well, yes.  I am.

And the changes that have taken place within me – and within my work as a Healer – are stunning.

So what’s this all about, this thing that seems like an endless search for the “one right modality?”

Here’s the deal: In the end, we are all looking for the same thing.

Love.

With a capital L.

“Love that casts a widening pool of light.”

I might find it today through journey work, yesterday through Reiki, and tomorrow through sitting in stillness.  You might find it through Christianity, while the next guy finds it through whirling dervish-ing. That lady over there? Past-life-regression. And this one? Transcendental meditation.

The list is endless.

And that is a good thing.

It’s a testament to the fact that no two people are alike – and no one person remains the same from one moment to the next.

We are forever growing and expanding.  We cannot expect our spiritual practice to remain the same.

But through this web of differences – between people, and within the ever-evolving nature of Self – the one constant is Love.

It doesn’t matter how we connect to it – this Love, this light.

It only matters that we be with it in a way that feels fully right to us.

Deeply, genuinely, peacefully.

This, from today’s practice:

………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………….

light and love

love and light

light. light. light.

curled in light, in warmth, in love

nowhere, just here

just everywhere

stay, always

if i could

i can

i will

i will be

i am

soft

light, love

love, light.

I have no idea what “day” of meditation this is.

What I do know is that this blog helps me keep up with my practice.

Not that I love the idea of my inner world being made public.  But the accountability is good for me.

Don’t get me wrong – I have come to love meditation – or whatever form of stillness and connecting it may be on a given day. It feels very, very good, and I know it’s initiating beautiful, wonderful, spectacular things in my life.

It’s just that I’m still “me” in many ways – one being that I’m not great at sticking to self-made routines. I trust that someday the meditation will become so natural that it doesn’t take conscious effort.  But in the meantime, I want very much to keep meditating…so I will keep blogging.

Whether or not anyone reads the blog is immaterial.  I began this journey of meditating for me, so I will continue it in the same vein. Along those lines, I’m letting go of posting about the day’s meditation.  Instead, I’ll write about whatever comes into my heart.

And I’ll trust that it is exactly as it’s meant to be.

So, welcome back to me!  On we go – forward ever, on this amazing path…

I haven’t posted in a few days – but the meditation is still going strong.  Shifting and morphing, but more powerful than ever.

I did an exercise with my Creative Healing class last night.  I led them through a brief relaxation: grounding through their root chakra, opening through their crown chakra, and feeling light/love/peace flowing straight down through their core.

Then I asked them to envision the person they hope to be, the Wise Self that they’re aiming for.  I had them ask this Self to write a letter to their current Being, explaining how to become the Wise Self.  Here’s what my Wise Self had to say:

The more time you spend here, the more you get to know me, to know this space…this is not just where you hope to be; it is also your path to get there.

I know I keep saying this to you – and it’s because you keep asking.  You keep asking for guidance, for expansion, for signs.

All of it – all the beauty and magic and wonder – it’s all here. Right here, in this very space you’re in right now.

This space is not the end; it is the path.  It is itself. This is what they mean that it’s not the destination, but the journey.

In a very real way, the time you spend in this space is the precise joy that you are seeking.  It does not just lead you to the joy; it is the joy.

That’s why I keep telling you to “stay with this,” – to keep coming to this space – because this is your key.  It is your answer.

It is all you need to know, and all you need to do.

This is your message.

This is your way.

It seems as though I skipped a day of blogging.

But rather than worrying about it, or making up an extra day, or applying any other left-brained thoughts to it, I’m simply going to let it go.  The 28th of January was meant to be my 21st Day, and so it shall be.

It feels like I should be writing a farewell speech, a thank-you speech, a eulogy…something, anything, to signify the passing of these 21 Days.  But while it has indeed been a special and note-worthy time – I’m just not feeling that it’s over.  So to say goodbye to it, or act like it’s wrapping up, is a bit silly.

No, this meditation thing isn’t going away any time soon. It’s been good to me, and I plan to keep it around.

While I may not continue counting days (than again, I might), I will keep carving 21 minutes each day for inner stillness.  And I will keep blogging (as often as it feels right) because that too has been good for me.

But as much as anything, I simply know that this time in stillness has shifted things for me – things that I’m already feeling and things that are yet to manifest.

And I am deeply grateful for all of it.

So I will keep it going. And will keep a joyful eye out for where it all leads me.

I’ve come to realize that I have indeed formed a new habit.

This 21 Day thing worked.

I’m not really interested anymore in writing about the 21 Minutes themselves.  That’s not the point.

And that comment, right there, is the biggest signal that a change has occurred.  When I began the 21 Days it was all about what happened during the 21 Minutes.  Now, it’s about a stillness that happens many times throughout the day.

That there is another signal – the fact that I’m remembering to connect at random points in the day – to center my energy with a greater stillness, a deeper understanding, a broader trust.

I have wanted, for so many years, to have the gift of remembering to center frequently.  It’s one thing to center when I’m reading a spiritual book, or writing, or having a deep conversation, but to remember to do it when I’m driving down the street or doing dishes – well, that’s a new, and very welcomed, change for me.

So yes, the stillness I sought from the meditation practice…it has become a habit. I won’t pretend that it’s an ever-present stillness.  But it’s certainly a place I visit far more often than I ever have before.

And while nothing strikingly obvious has changed in my outer world, I can feel that things have shifted within.

The outer stuff -which, after all, is merely a reflection of what’s going on internally – is only a matter of time.